Elections 2019: Jab NaMo Met Rahul In a Panel Discussion!

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The blog is a piece of fiction and reflects personal opinion of the writer.

Here is an excerpt from the most honest panel discussion between the sitting PM NaMo Opposition Leader Rahul Gandhi along with a panel of self-proclaimed star journalists, rooting for different political ideologies ahead of the Lok Sabha elections 2019.

Journalist 1: How would you describe the Elections 2019 in a nutshell?

NaMo: This election is a shining example of inclusiveness of great Indian democracy – I have invoked everyone – from Army, Navy, Actor, Farmer to a Cow for leverage. Leveraging right people at right moment is a winning strategy.

Rahul: Better than HBO Game of Thrones, season finale. We have ensured that our own Indian Game of Thrones version is better, bigger in terms of canvas, screenplay and dialogues – leaving our voters in awe and shock!

(Aside: PMO on internet googling about Game of Thrones)

Group of journalist murmurs at such frankness.

Journalist 2: Opposition has accused you of being an opportunist for using Nationalism as a tool to hide your failures.

Namo: The fact of the matter is that hypocrisy lies deep within us – our values and belief system are flexible as long as it suits our narrative. I used nationalism, they used secularism to gain votes. So, it is unfair to single me out when we are essentially two sides of the same coin doing the same thing.

Rahul adds: Forget nationalism, these people have left me confused with my whole nationality – Kabhi Brit, Kabhi Italian while I always thought I was born-brought up Indian.

One journalist (looking at Rahul): Awwww.

Journalist 3: Rahul, you have failed to bring the opposition together before elections which could have been your winning strategy?

Rahul: My strategy is to win hearts of the people with love just like my name-sake do on-screen (SRK as Rahul in similar roles in multiple movies) and winks at the journalist.

Journalist rolls eyes.

Rahul Continues: Bring opposition together was Lutyen media’s best strategy to get them back to power broking business in Lutyen’s Delhi. It was their strategy, not mine – My strategy is more “Ekla Cholo re”.

Journalist expresses shock beyond disbelief. Messages AAP President to discuss back up strategy.

(Namo smiles within and thinks Boy has come off age)

Namo Shouts out: And you guys, call me the Great Divider, wherein I have played a key role in opposition unity, so what if it was only for Photo-Op.

Journalist 4: Who is your biggest competition?

Namo: Honestly all those who stand between me and my greatness – like legacy of Nehru. In next decade, my face should be embossed everywhere including currency and maybe someday in the chakra of Indian flag?

Sips a cup of tea with great pride.

Meanwhile Rahul deep inside: Such a Chaiwala !

Lutyen’s Journalists murmurs: Oh Nehru, forgive him, he do not know what he is saying.

Rahul: I am my biggest competition – to shred image of Pappu and coming of age was a herculean task by itself. Add to that my goof ups in speeches on a regular basis. 

Though I must thank the so called left liberal media and Bollywood who has contributed more than my PR agency ever to build my image as Youth icon, potraying me as man with a heart of gold and PM as the tyrant king. They term my mistakes as “Being Human”- how cute!!!

Bunch of journalist cringe.

Namo flaunts: Hey forget that, some of them treat me next to God.

Journalist 5: How do you reflect back on your failures starting from Demonetization, unemployment in the last 5 years – any learnings?

Namo: I honestly would not term DeMo as failure. It was my show-stopper idea, based on leap of faith than facts – it had potential to give me great mileage in my journey towards legacy. The opposition complains of the peak rise of Paid trolls which is a confirmation of rising employment. Plus, all the start-ups, entrepreneurship is a way of livelihood and creates job as well.

The only failure is that despite all my machinery at work, I could not keep this opposition in check – specially that Didi, she is a hyena in a cotton saree.

Rahul taunts: You also failed to put Nirav, Mallya including my Jija ji in jail despite your tall promises on corruption. Did they follow your Cloud theory to escape?

Journalist turns towards Rahul.

Rahul: Learning is state of mind. Just like my personality- always work in progress.

Journalist 6: How did you come up with Main Bhi Chowkidar Campaign?

Namo: Main Bhi Chowkidar was actually inspired by recently conducted #Metoo movement where women of our country spoke against the wrong doing of men globally. Similarly, I wanted a campaign where People of India would unite and act against any dissent just like Chowkidar – safeguard me against any rising voices that undermines my popularity. Anyways it is the Raj Dharma of people to protect their king, means Prime Minister.

Journalist: But Modi ji opposition is shouting Chowkidar Chor Hain.

Namo (giggles): I know, I know but they are such a fool they don’t know I am not the Chowkidar here, people of India are.

Rahul: I was also thinking he is a Chaiwala, how can Chaiwala become Chowkidar. But then everyone told me in India, we are good at multitasking. Even some people accuse me of being stand up comedian, wherein I am a politician too.

Rafale – is a big election issue, what you have to say about that- there is accusation on Crony capitalism on you?

Namo: This is precisely why I have launched Main Bhi Chowkidar campaign. I think there are enough articles in the media defending govt position on Rafale. Please refer to them and in case you do not understand the technicality, one of my Chowkidar Payal Rohatagi ji has explained in simple language the Rafale deal (just ignore her pronunciation on Rafale)

Rahul: I am just happy every time Rafale is mentioned, Modiji ko thoda mirchi lagta hain. Now he will understand and never invoke Bofors again.

Journalist 7: What would be your key focus when you come to power?

Namo: Work towards my greatness and ensure that History remembers only 1 legacy and 1 Chant – Modi, Modi. Will do whatever it takes to achieve that feat.

Rahul: Outsourcing would be a key strategy, from economics to foreign policy – there would be plenty to distribute among allies specially post poll ones. Unlike our PM who is a control freak, I would give space to people and chill a bit. It has been long elections and hence a long beach vacation won’t be a bad idea.

Journalists: What about us?

Modi and Namo (in chorus): Join AAP and gives each other a high five!!!

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About Tapobrata Kumar 16 Articles
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